Confessions of Miss Crazy

20 Steps on ‘How to Get Rid of a Small Scorpion When You Find One Next to Your Bed, Sleeping Between Your Handbag and Open Kitbag”.

2010-09-27T02:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this weekend me and Doofie went away to her parents farm in Limpopo. It was amazing! I finally had a chance to switch off my brain and it was probably the first time in a good few months where I was free from any signs of BBS!!

Anyway, on Saturday morning I woke up with a small scorpion sleeping happily between my Handbag and my Kitbag. Don’t ask me how it got there because I don’t actually want to know how and think about how many times I may have come into contact with it before I knew it was there!

Well seeing as we were successful in removing it, I thought I’d give you some tips! (This is generally for women who do not have a man around to do it – because we all know that men are 10X better at getting rid of creepy crawlies!)

Step 1: One you have spotted the Scorpion, take a step (or leap) backwards and get all screeching and jumping out of the way.

Step 2: Now that you have calmed down, find something (such as a really large Tupperware dish and lid) that can be used to sweep the Scorpion off of the bag (or whatever else it may be on)

Step 3: Once you try to sweep it off of bag quickly attempt to remove any items around the bag tat the Scorpion may use as a hiding place. It would probably be better to do this as step 2, but sometimes these thoughts only occur once it is too late.

Step 4: With all hiding spots out of the way (and after moving the bags away from the area) try to sweep the Scorpion into the Tupperware dish using the lid. If this is unsuccessful, take a moment to let out your breath and screech a little more.

Step 5: Take a few deep breaths. It is time to change tactics.

Step 6: Fetch a wide rimmed Glass, piece of paper and a fairly hard/thick book.

Step 7: Take a deep breath and slowly place the glass over the Scorpion (Like you would with a big spider!). Step back and exhale.

Step 8: Take the paper and gently move it under the glass. Be sure not to lift the glass too much, as the Scorpion will most likely be defensive and trying to find a way out of the glass at this point.

Step 9: Step back and get any screeching and jumping (from having been in such close proximity) out of the way.

Step 10: If you are with any other women, ask one to hold the glass (Give her time to breath and screech before hand), while you maneuver the paper up on the sides, so that there is no means of escape. Lift the glass like that and place the book swiftly underneath.

Step 11: Give yourself time to calm down before the next step!

Step 12: Pick up the book (while holding the glass down) and make your way to the closest outside area. Move slowly, watch wear you are walking and keep an eye on the Scorpion (which should now be rather agitated).

Step 13: Place the book and glass down onto the ground outside – Slowly.

Step 14: Take another moment to relax. (This can be done by taking deep breaths – or by screaming and squirming – whichever works for you!)

Step 15: IF you are outside on ground level, remove the glass, while simultaneously stepping away. The scorpion should run off onto the ground. If not, try to move it off with the Lid from earlier, or leave it until later when you can retrieve the glass and book. If you are outside on a balcony, do the same as the above step. But you cannot leave and come back later as the Scorpion will still be upstairs – an extra step is required. (16)

Step 16: Before the glass is removed, fetch a broom. Once the glass has been removed, slowly move the paper so that the Scorpion is forced onto the ground. In one swift motion, sweep the Scorpion of the balcony.

Step 17: Hold the broom out immediately and ask someone to look and make sure that the Scorpion is not stuck on the end.

Step 18: Grab book, glass and paper, and run inside.

Step 19: Close doors and let out all the pent up screeching left over from the last few steps!

Step 20: Give yourself a pat on the back, say “See women can do these things too!” while smiling, and make sure to shake out every article of clothing, or pair of shoes, before putting them on!

BBSA Meeting Number 11: FAITH

2010-09-13T00:56:00.000-07:00

Faith.

And when I say Faith, I don’t mean it in a religious light. Although, it does apply to that too.

What I am talking about is the faith we use in life, the faith that we use every day that most of us are completely unaware of.

Life is all about Faith. We cannot live without it.

Human nature is all together untrustworthy. I mean, we can’t even trust ourselves. We are unpredictable and nothing is a surety. How you feel today, may not be how you feel tomorrow. How you react today, may not be how you react tomorrow. There are very few things that we can trust in – the sun rising in the East, the passage of time… physical things that are unchanging. Time is altogether unchanging, but those things, the predictable ones, are irrelevant to us, really. They are just a part of it.

The things that are ever changing – the unpredictable – are the things that make or break us, and those things can never be trusted in. Life can not be trusted.

When we get into our car in the morning, we cannot trust that we will get to our destinations unscathed. When we take a step we cannot trust that we will not trip. When we tell a friend a secret, we cannot trust that it’ll never be told. When we cry, we cannot trust that we will always receive comfort. When we make a decision, we cannot trust that we will not regret it.

What we can do though, is have Faith. We can have faith in every little thing that we do. We can have faith in every step we make in life. And not only can we, but we do. We have Faith. Every single one of us is guided by faith in what we believe, whether it is true or not.

Sometimes it doesn’t work out, and we learn from it, and sometimes it works out perfectly. Either way, we are still faithful, and we will always try again tomorrow, whether we are aware of it or not:

We all live Faithfully.

BBSA Meeting Number 10: Love

2010-09-09T00:53:00.000-07:00

Love.

You either do or you don’t and no matter how much you may want to, you cannot force it. It is something so powerful that it can change you forever, and not necessarily in a good way, but even so everyone says it is worth it. It is the one thing everyone seems to be searching for.

People say the world revolves around it and that nothing can compare to it. It is the heart of all fairytales and it is the heart of all relationships.

Want to know what I think about love?

It is stupid.

It causes so much pain and turmoil in the world, from the basic heart break to a war. I mean, people fight for the love of their country, right? Or they fight because they need t protect those they love?

People also stay in relationships that make them unhappy or that are physically and/or emotionally harmful because of “love”.

If you really think about it, love is not all that hard to find. It’s simple and it is all around us. The biggest problem is finding the right person to love - whether it be a friend or someone closer.

Love is a hormonal response. It’s no fairytale or ‘soulmate’ principle – it is pure science.

I mean, can you honestly say that you ‘love’ someone who is abusive? Most people would say no. They’d say, if my husband/boyfriend/partner ever hit me, it’d be over. Yet how many people get stuck in those situations and when you ask them why they say “but I love him”?

Really… you love him? Is that because he is such a joy to be around? Is it because he makes you a better person and lifts you up when you fall? Is that because he is a great companion and he brings out the best in you? Um, no. I don’t think so. It’s because your body says you love him. It’s because you are afraid of the unknown and it’s because love is a good excuse to tell yourself when you are too scared to make the necessary changes.

And this doesn’t just apply to situations of abuse. How many women take their cheating partners back? (And let’s not just make this about women… there are also men who have these issues!) How many people put up with things you would never put up with from someone you didn’t love, purely because you love them?

I mean, even children. Parents put up with crap, as do children, in the name of love and family. That’s a tough kind of love, because as they say, “You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends.” And the truth is that once you are ready to start your own family, you actually do have a choice. You get to decide who is going to be the father to your children, and what kind of mother you are going to be.

Although it seems that love removes that choice. Why? Because we fall in love before we even know someone. We love them before we marry them, before we live with them, and before we know their story.

Yeah… see? It’s all hormonal. I mean, if it weren’t, then how could you explain loving someone you don’t even know? And please don’t say “our souls connected”… because seriously, it’s all about endorphins! I’m telling you…love is a damn addiction that is probably just as, or even more dangerous than drugs!

BBSA Meeting Number 9: Job Searching

2010-09-07T03:11:00.000-07:00

Searching for a new job sucks. Like seriously sucks. Especially when you don’t really have a specific ‘Job Title’ in mind.

I mean, how do you go about explaining (in a CV no less) that you are a ‘jack of all trades’ who still needs to learn all the trades? How do you explain that you are a fast learner, who can learn pretty much anything and who knows how to find the answers to any question that needs answering? (Yeah, it’s called Google) And how do you tell someone that you haven’t exactly found your niche but you can be good at just about anything? (Without coming off as conceited and arrogant).

It’s ridiculous. I have a degree… but I’m not using it at the moment (I mean, a Bsc in Chem & Biochem has no relevance to Sales & Marketing) and all it pretty much shows is that I can learn, that I have discipline and that I am pretty logical. But then you get the question, why aren’t you using it?

I mean, what is the “correct” answer to that question?

‘I chose my majors as a completely inexperienced 18 year old and I now know that it’s not what I want… Hey, at least I stuck through it, right? At least you know I’m not one to give up.’

Yeah, it sucks.

*sigh*

Over the last year (almost 2) I have realized that there is no, like ‘Job Title’, or ‘Career’, for me. I just want to try things, have new challenges, overcome them, learn more and then, I don’t know what but I want to figure it out as I go along. I am not one of those ‘Climbing the Corporate Ladder’ types but am rather one of the ‘one step at a time/ see where to go from here’ types.

It’s all about challenges and needing more. I don’t do mundane and I get bored pretty easily so I often feel like I need to be continually learning… surely that is a good thing, career-wise?

I so should have listened to my mom… I rate IT (particularly Web Development) would be (and still is) perfect for me… but now where do you go from here? I can’t exactly just quit working and start from scratch.

And then studying obviously requires cash… which you need a decent job for… and then we are sorta back to square one.

*more sighing*

Yeah, I know. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your ass back to work!” (Yip… the voices can be rather harsh sometimes).

I need a change!

In the Name of Confessions

2010-09-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so going with the theme of ‘confessions’ I thought I’d just put this one out there. And for the record, just so we are clear, I do not promote drug use in any way shape or form. I am actually like a walking anti-drug campaign. That is how much I am against it.

Never the less, my friend and I kinda went a little crazy on Friday night. Now I am not talking anything dodge (well I suppose that’s a pretty subjective term) but rather that we smoked some pot. Now at the risk of sounding ridiculously like a teenager... weed is not really like a hard drug, so I kinda let myself off the hook, because I mean, really, I’ve never even tried anything beyond that, and I only tried pot a few times in my life, the last of which was for one night on Matric holiday.

I swore off of ever doing it again that night, because, well, when paranoia makes you feel as though you are actually starring n your own version of ‘The Truman Show’ you know there’s a problem.

Anyway, so back to Friday night. My friend (let’s call her F) and I went out to our usual place only to find that the DJ sucks (I mean, come on, it’s the local pub and when you ask the kid whether he can play some rock and he gives you a weird look and says “I don’t do rock” like he’s some kind of star with his own mix and a fan base, then you know you are in the wrong place). So after dancing for the ‘grew up in the 90’s’ RnB/rap set, we decided that maybe it was a sign to head home. We gave F’s brother a call, in hopes that he had found somewhere decent to go, but without any answer we felt as though fate was sending us on our way.

Once we reached my place we decided that we were actually pretty hungry (Thank God for 24 hour Macky D’s). One really awesome chicken burger later, we get a phone call from F’s bro who happened with my ex and some friends at his place, and with some promise of booze and a possibility of doing something reckless (this is what being trapped does to you, my friends) we decided “screw it” and made our way there.

The minute we got there I grabbed a beer (Yes, a freakin quart of Black Label) and hoped to join the drunken debauchery that was taking place around us. Sweet care-free pleasure!

Now this ex is not the Mr Perfect I mentioned earlier. If I had to give him a name, it would probably be something like Mr. Fucker-Who-Gave-Me-A-BBS-Explosion. He is the start of it all. He would be the high school sweetheart (or ‘Prince Charming’) who in fact, turned out to be a big fat toad! Yeah, anyway, needless to say, this was the epitome of reckless for me, considering I don’t do bungee jumping or motor-cross.

Anyway, so after some beer, some crazy conversations with some really ‘out of it’ boys and a pretty sweet joint. F and I had the ‘laggies’ of note. I can’t even begin to explain how funny it was. (‘It’ being pretty much anything).

It even got as far as me bringing up an old favourite from our past innocent laughing fits during games of “Funny HA HA” (Yeah, there really is a game called “Funny HA HA”)!

ME: Oh. My. God. That’s soooooo funny. HA HA HA.

F: Aha ha ha ha. I. Knoooow. Ha Ha Ha.

Me : *Inbetween laughs* What do you call a cat cross a lemon ?

F: Oh. God. Ha ha ha haaaaa.

Me & F: A Sour Puss! *screaming fits of laughter*

Yeah, we were that bad. It was ridiculous. But to be honest, it was so cathartic. It was actually like it was just the two of us again... back in high school, being completely ridiculous. I felt free again.

Although, I will say, that after the second (and final) joint it got a bit much with F and her “A duck walks into a bar” joke and her bro trying to get lucky, oh and the fact that we only made it home after 7 am. Yeah, we probably should have stopped at one, but never-the-less, it was AWE-SOME. Crazy, and never–to-be-done-again, but the spontaneous child-like moment will never be a source of regret for me.

Now on to the next weird, reckless and totally uncharacteristic-of-me adventure - a tattoo (Yeah, I know right? It's crazy!)

BBSA Meeting Number 8: Self Esteem

2010-09-03T02:22:00.001-07:00

No matter how much ‘life’ we live, if we do not believe in ourselves, if we do not see ourselves as the unique, beautiful, interesting and amazing people that we are, we will never understand ‘success’ or inner peace. And isn’t that the purpose? Finding happiness, contentedness, inner peace?

I was standing outside having a cigarette (yes, I am a smoker and although I hate it, I am not quite ready to let it go…) and I suddenly felt my box closing in on me as I realized that I am actually quite a recluse. I haven’t got a single ‘make new friends’ or ‘talking to strangers’ bone in my body! (Okay well let’s be a little more specific – sober Miss Crazy doesn’t have a single ‘make new friends’ or ‘talking to strangers’ bone in her body). As soon as I am alone with strangers I become this quiet, miserable girl. Which really isn’t me, though you’d only know that if you knew me…

I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be the lonely introverted shy girl in the corner! Seriously! I want to be myself all the time and I have no idea how to do that. How do you overcome that fear? How do you overcome the irrational feelings of inadequacy? Because that’s what it is. I always feel as though I have nothing to offer a conversation or nothing to say to someone new.

It’s like I give these strangers this kind of ‘persona’ in which they are automatically smarter, better looking or fun. It’s completely messed up. See this is why I sometime think a therapist is in order… or maybe I should just be in a constant state of tipsiness, because drunk Miss Crazy (or Tipsy Miss Crazy) really doesn’t have that problem. She doesn’t care.

Maybe the better question would be, how to I tap into Tipsy Miss Crazy in a way that won’t entail me carrying a pretty silver hip flask, or a box of wine, with me wherever I go?

*ponders*

Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.

BBSA Meeting Number 7: Getting Out the Box

2010-09-02T02:06:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days of dreaming, of loneliness and of wanting more.

Adventure.

That is something that I have been craving for so long that it has started gnawing at me. I’m 23 and desperate for something different, to get away and to find myself and experience things that are far out of the little box I have put myself in. I am tired of the life I’m leading. The whole expectation of it is tiring. I need out.

That was the biggest problem with my previous relationship. I felt trapped. Hell, I still feel trapped. It wasn’t his fault, but mine. I trap myself. I give myself limitations - Fear being the biggest one. My fear of failure and regret at making the wrong choices, stifles me.

The chat I had with my mom a few days ago has been ringing in my mind ever since – stop ‘analyzing’ and start ‘doing’. It sounds simple enough, but when you are like me and just ‘being’ is already a difficult concept, ‘doing’ is not easy.

I keep thinking that if we have only this one life, if this is it, then I need to go out and experience it – fully. Sitting here weighing up every decision and trying to find my ‘place’ in this world is really starting to frustrate the hell out of me.

Action.

I need to stop living in the world of thought, in the world of adjectives and nouns and start moving to the world of verbs.

I need to let go of the two adjectives that I have allowed to control me for way too long – procrastination and indecisiveness. They are useless things that only leave me feeling frustrated. I need to move past them and force myself to leave the temporary comfort that they bring.

Movement.

Not just any kind, but rather of the forward variety. I need to leave all that was, behind me and start making baby steps toward what is important, towards living.

And as my favourite quote says it perfectly – Carpe Diem!

*shouts from the rooftops like some kind of war cry*

BBSA Meeting Number 6: Purpose

2010-09-01T01:53:00.000-07:00

Last night was probably one of the most profound conversations of my life.

My friend and I went for a drink at the Spur (because apparently I cannot get through a bad day without some wine and good company, and why should I?) and I mentioned to her that I have been feeling depressed and purposeless.

I began to explain my new found depression, that I just couldn’t see the purpose in life anymore and that I was considering asking someone who is into the whole Christian thing to “please save me” because I have reached a point were purpose is necessary or I am going to lose my mind and end up in a crazy house.

Well who would have thought that my crazy non-religious friend would be the one to help me find it? Seeing as she has the same thoughts as I do (which was quite the shocker really), we started talking about the past and the future and the purposelessness of it all when we ended up reminding ourselves of a family friend of hers (who was 'kind of' like a little brother seeing as we’ve all been friends since, like, forever) who had passed away just over 2 years ago. He actually died driving right through the wall at a T-junction close to his house. He was so young and it is such a terribly sad, sad thing that happened.

We actually got into the conversation because we were discussing the times when we have said to ourselves “Oh, I could so just ride into that tree right now” or “Maybe I should just continue straight instead of taking the bend”. Yeah, I know. They are semi-suicidal thoughts but at the same time it is something I would never do. It’s more of an errant wonder of what would happen and how easy it would be, not an actual consideration. I could never do that.

Anyway, it was strange to hear that she had these thoughts too and before I could stop myself, I wondered whether the friend that died had thought about that too. Whether he was drunk and hurt about his love life or family life and just made a spur of the moment decision. It was so weird to think about it and possibly understand it in a way I hadn't thought of before.

Anyway, so with the reminder of him, my friend remembered the dream of him from just after the accident. She dreamt that he visited her to say goodbye. With that reminder, we started talking about the things that have made us believe in God and in life after death and all of that jazz - remembering all the little miracles and answered prayers.

The before I knew it, I was that little girl again - The one that prayed to a God that could hear my thoughts and who could make my dreams come true. The warm fuzzy feeling was back, taking residence in the pit of my stomach and burning out toward all my extremities.

That’s when I thought to myself that it really doesn’t matter what the purpose is, or what is going to happen or not happen, because I will always choose to believe that there is more to it than this. Even if that belief is only there to make me feel better about this life and about what happens when it is over.

So once again I will be talking up my nightly prayers about the people I love and the bubbles that protect them because everyone needs something to believe in, in order to get through this beautiful and extremely cruel thing called LIFE.

BBSA Meeting Number 6 - Therapy

2010-08-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

Therapy.

I am considering going to see my shrink. Yes, I do in fact have a shrink and I’m not ashamed to say it, although to be fair, I only went to her about 3 or 4 times when I was in Matric. Not that she helped much back then. She kept asking me about my final exam schedule. I think she had decided that I was there for stress but the truth is, I couldn’t have stressed any less about school. It was the BBS. Even back then I had it, although it was less prominent and it didn’t have a name yet.

I can only imagine what she’ll think if I had to go see her now. The conversation would go something like this:

Her: So what seems to be the problem?

Me: I suffer from BBS

Her: *furrows brows in confusion* BBS?

Me: Broken Brain Syndrome.

Her: I see. *stifles laughter* And what does this BBS entail exactly?

Me: Um... doesn’t the name speak for itself?

Her: Hmmm *smirks* What makes you say that your brain is ‘broken’? (With air quotes and everything)

Me: I am here. Of course it is broken. Who sees a shrink if their brain isn’t broken?

Her: Okay. What is it that makes you see your brain as ‘broken’? (with the air quotes again)

Me: The fact that there is more than one person in there.

Her: Huh. Ooookay. Is there more than one voice?

Me: No. Only one voice. It just as different opinions.

Her: Is the voice your own?

Me: Yes. Exactly.

Her: It is not uncommon to have different opinions going on in your head. That is where the idea of having a good and a bad conscious in the form of a devil or an angel on each shoulder comes from.

Me: So it’s normal.

Her: Yes. It is pretty normal.

Me: Is there a way to get them to shut up because I am really sick of having them analyze everything I do. And to be honest I’m bored of them. I often hope that someday another voice will pop up and just spice things up a little.

Her: *laughs then notices I am not laughing* You’re serious?

Me: Yes. Well I didn’t pay to come here and give you a stand up show.

Yeah. I don’t think it’ll go so well. I don’t really want to be sent to Tara. Perhaps I could just not mention anything about BBS or my over analyzing brain that is filled with all the different versions of myself and their damned opinions.

*sigh*

Maybe therapy just isn’t in the cards for me. I always thought of being a shrink. I think I could be pretty good at it. Maybe I can just practice on myself and see where that gets me. I mean., who better to know what’s wrong with me, then well, me?

Okay.. I am going to stop the rambling right here. Hangovers tend to give me Brain Fry and thanks to book club and Phuza Thursday, I am talking nonsense.

Have a happy weekend!

BBSA Meeting Number 5: Judgments

2010-08-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

So I was chatting with a friend yesterday (She’s the friend that is most like me… and she is also a sufferer of BBS… in fact, BBS only has a name because together we somehow named the feeling we both tended to have and attempted to describe…) and we got to talking about the expectations of society. Her biggest thing is that people are expecting her wedding soon (her and her man have been together for 5 years and are even more happy then they ever were) and mine is the single thing. So I thought this would be a good topic for today's meeting.

Don’t you think it’s crazy that we all live by a structure that society has laid out for us? You know, the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the dog, the cat and all that jazz? What if that isn’t what you want? How would you even know if it is, when it was what you were brought up to see as ‘success’?

If you don’t get married and have babies, then what? You’re failing at life? Who says so? Especially in this day and age where we can make so many decisions and there are so many options available to us. Science and technology have moved forward, yet society still tends to have Neanderthal views on how life should be played out.

Even in the simple example of being single, you can see how society expects you to be or do certain things. You know what it is like when you are single and your friends aren’t - They are always trying to set you up or give you advice on where you can find a ‘good man’. They even sometimes give you that look of pity. I mean, if you want a boyfriend and you can’t find one and it makes you sad, then fine and then it’s great to have friends who’d want to help. But what if you don’t want one? What if you are actually happy to be single but the only reason you end up feeling down is because everyone is expecting you to be upset and that makes you feel like you have failed in some way?

It all comes done to being judged. Let’s be honest, we are all guilty of it. Every single one of us has, at one point, judged someone else. Even if it is just what someone is wearing – slippers to the shop – or what someone has said – OMG! What an idiot! Did you hear what that chick just said? We do it all the time. I think that the majority of people would be shocked to realize how often they themselves judge everyone else.

And I think that that is one of the reasons why there are so many people who have low self esteem. We all know how judgmental society is, and who wants to be the one that is judged?

It’s all so ridiculous if you really think about it. Who the hell cares what anyone thinks? What does it matter if you want to wear your pink fluffies to the store?

So, that’s just my 2 cents on the matter and I feel much better now that I have gotten it off my chest.

*sigh*

*Looks around*

What does everyone else think on the matter? Do you think society is as screwed up as I do?

BBSA Meeting Number 4: Poking Fun

2010-08-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

So last night I was chatting with my mom about all sorts of things (life, love, religion) – as we tend to do – and as the conversation went along I started talking about one of my methods of making a grumpy boyfriend happy. SO I thought for today’s meeting I would share this technique with you all.

This is how it would go:

ME: What’s wrong?

Other person with usually a boyfriend: *grumble grumble*

ME: Ooooh, you’re grumpy! *said while poking their side*

BF: Please don’t do that.

ME: What? This? *more poking and lots of evil smirking*

BF: Seriously. I am not in the mood.

ME: You don’t say. *Poking becomes tickling*

BF: (Face turns red) PLEASE!! (Note the ‘shouty’ capitals)

ME: HA HA HA! *tickle, tickle, poke, poke*

BF: OMFG!!! JUST STOP! *pause filled with heavy breathing while the tickling continues.…... and finally, bursts of laughter*

ME: *stops all poking and tickling and smiles* Are you done being grumpy now?

BF: No! (This is said with a grin though)

ME: Okay…. *fingers start moving back to poking and tickling position*

BF: *Raises hands in defense* Okay, Okay. I am no longer grumpy!!

ME: Good *smiles and sits back* So let’s start again. How are you?

BF: You are crazy. *still smiling*

ME: Yes. This is not news. *satisfied smirk*

This technique is based purely on the fact that you only have the apacity to be a certain level of angry… once you reach that, any further just makes you laugh. In my findings it is the quickest way. I have a word of warning though – DON’T stop until there is laughing and smiling. If you stop at the height of grumpiness it only makes the situation worse. i.e. Once you start, you have to follow through to the end. Oh, and you can’t get mad at him if he says things in the height of grumpiness. He is just angry.

BBSA Meeting Number 3 - Topic: Guilt

2010-08-24T02:54:00.001-07:00

Side Note: *I couldn’t decide whether coming for this meeting was a good or a bad thing but figured I’d just do it anyway and I am sorry if I start ranting like the crazy person I am because today is just one of those days where I am not completely compos mentis.*

Guilt.

It controls us.

It consumes us.

And it can make us do and put up with things that we’d never have thought we would before.

Guilt and regret are my two worst enemies. I hate them with an insurmountable passion.

I hate that they have an effect on me at all. Why should I feel guilty? Does it make me a bad person if I don’t? Because sometimes I wonder whether I just feel guilty because I feel as though I am supposed to. Like it is expected of me, as a good person.

My crazy best friend (and now my single side kick) came over to visit last night (as a part of the awesome support structures) and we got to talking about our past single times together – seeing as it has been a while – as well as the whole concept of guilt and what makes a person good or evil.

There was one story that stuck out.

A few years ago I went to a friend’s 21^st. A male friend actually and it was a male who I happened to kinda have the ‘hots’ for at an earlier point, although I hadn’t thought about it in a while.

This was mainly because I had an ‘obsession’ with someone else. I call it an ‘obsession’ because the truth is, he turned me into a crazy person. I was that chick that would go places just because I thought he might be there. I was that chick. I’m sure you know her, or have been her at some point.

Anyway, so yes, I had this ‘obsession’ and all my friends were aware of it. Even some who were not necessarily in my ‘friend’ category. Such as a chick I new (went to school and varsity with) who happened to have the same name as me.

Now, She and this male were a couple before – and it was already past the ‘you’ve been broken up for as long as you were dating’ mark. And the truth that she wasn’t aware of was: The reason they got together was because of my little ‘crush’ in the first place seeing as he got confused as to which Miss Crazy my other friend was talking about when she mentioned that I had the ‘hots’ for him.

So yes, there relationship was totally my doing, well initially. Anyhoo, she knew about my ‘obsession’ with the other guy. Okay, I think more background story is needed here (WOW this is turning out to be one hell of a story!).

This ‘obsession’ of mine was almost a conquest. We had sort of hooked up after my previous long term boyfriend and we were both into it, but then my ex made a big deal of it and freaked out, so then my ‘obsession’ (who I had been ‘crushing’ on for like ever) decided that he would back off because his friend (and my ex) obviously had a problem with it.

Now that was when the ‘obsession’ started. He became something I couldn’t have and all it did was make me try harder.

Anyway, so this other Miss Crazy decided, on the night of this males 21^st (where my ‘obsession’ was working behind the bar), to tell me that her and my ‘obsession’ had a little hot ‘n steamy kissing session the night before. This would also be a good time to mention that I’ve never liked this namesake of mine. She used to irritate the crap out of me on a daily basis.

So yes, revenge is sweet. With that knowledge and a little bit of liquid courage decided that I wanted the male whose 21^st it was (and her ex which she apparently still pined after). After that decision, he had no hope.

By the end of the night, he and I were making out in a corner and she was balling her eyes out.

At one point she called me into the bathroom to ask me “What the hell are you doing?” while she cried about thinking I was her “friend” and all I did was laugh and say “well sorry, but you should be over him anyway”. I could have been worse. I could’ve told her that it should have been me in the first place. I could’ve told her it was payback. But I didn’t. And we didn’t do anything more than a lot of hot ‘n steamy kissing.

And by the end of the night, while leaving and trying to get the drunk now 21 year old male out of my car, my ‘obsession’ sat and shook his head at me.

It was ridiculous and rather “high-school” but man did it feel good. Revenge is sweet and the truth is that I have never felt bad about it. When I think back to her tears, I still don’t feel guilty about the actual thing. Sometimes I get a spark of guilt for not feeling guilty but that is about it.

Should I feel guilty? Should I make myself feel guilty if I don’t feel it? Am I a bad person for not feeling it?

Guilt.

That is what I am feeling about this whole “on a break thing”. Guilt that I don’t want to feel.

Does that make me an even worse person?

And who exactly is the judge? What makes someone bad or good? Is it society or just a religious thing?

These are definitely the kind of questions that make me Miss Crazy.

Broken. Brain. Syndrome. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it!

Too Cute Not To Share

2010-08-23T03:10:00.000-07:00

*Fist Bump* How could I refuse??

BBSA Meeting Number 2

2010-08-23T00:51:00.000-07:00

Hi again.

So…. Meeting number 2. I think that coming back again is definitely a good sign.

Once again, there are so many things….

But there is definitely a big one that needs to be addressed…me and who I call ‘Mr Perfect’ are officially on a break. Yes, a break. Does anyone know what that means exactly? What is the difference between breaking up or having a break? Especially since we said we’d see how it goes. Does that mean it is a transition state which is only there to make us feel a little better about making the decision in the first place?

The height of indecisiveness – going on a break instead of breaking up, just so that you have the illusion of a lifeline holding on to the known outcome...

I am definitely indecisive. Although this time it was all his idea. He’s the one who wants a break and I am giving it to him. Even though for me, it is only a transition to the permanence of breaking up.

So yes. No more Mr Perfect for me. No shocker there. It has been coming for a long time… for most of our relationship actually.

How crazy is that? I could probably say that it’s been over a year of this.

Obviously it has gotten worse over the time, but we’ve never been perfect. We never had that ‘new’ love feeling where everything is just bright and shiny and perfect. I always blamed the previous break up for that. I thought that the whole innocence of it was ruined for me. After a while though, I started wondering if that was just an excuse. Just a way to make it alright that I wasn’t feeling the same way as he did. I mean, he moved here for God’s sake! He moved his life here so that we could be together asap. Was I supposed to just say, “Oh, so I’m sorry about the inconvenience but this just isn’t working out for me”?

I suppose the correct answer to that would be yes, I should have said exactly that. But I couldn’t. Call it a weakness or stupidity or whatever, but I am just not hard wired that way. I can think it and sometimes it festers, but I can’t force the words out of my mouth.

Especially seeing as he was “perfect”. I am not even exaggerating. He is that guy that you should marry. He is the guy that would be the perfect husband and father and family man, yet ambitious enough to support you. He’s also serious when he needs to be, and child-like when he can be. He’s a perfect mix – hence the “Mr Perfect”.

He’s just not Mr Perfect-for-me. And that is purely because I don’t feel the way I should. And I know how I should feel… I have felt it before... which sucks and then you start thinking "but it should feel different, right?"

Gosh… okay. This is enough of this crazy relationship talk. I am over relationships for a loooong while. It’s time to focus on me and life and all that jazz. And it is time to work through this BBS!

Until next time...

BBSA Meeting Number 1

2010-08-20T01:42:00.000-07:00

*Stands up and clears throat*

Um. Hi there everybody. Um. Yeah okay, so here goes.

My name is Miss Crazy and I suffer from Broken Brain Syndrome (BBS)!

*clears throat*

Wow. That felt strangely good. Yes. I think this is going to be good.

*smiles and looks around*

Hmmm. What is BBS, you ask?

Well BBS is something my friend and I call our ‘crazy moments’ or ‘the times when our brains just don’t work right’. BBS is not to be confused with Brain Fry (BF). BF is something that happens when your brain is over worked. You know that fuzzy feeling you get after you’ve crunched numbers for a few hours or after you’ve written a test or exam? Yeah, that is Brain Fry.

BBS is something completely different. Let me see if I can explain it in some kind of way that makes sense.

You know sometimes when you have ‘one of those days’? You know the ones where everything just doesn’t seem right anymore and even though you knowthose days’ it doesn’t help your cause. And on those days, or hours or how ever long it lasts you tend to question yourself, your life and what it is that you are doing. You know what I mean, right? It’s the day where your boyfriend or husband says something small and otherwise normal and in your head it becomes something big andcmpletely outrageous, where it festers and sometimes turns into a fight and then when the BBS subsides you think “Why was that such a big deal?”. Or it’s when that job that you mostly enjoy, just becomes such a drain and you just wish you could do something completely out-of-the-box and you suddenly find yourself fantasizing about jumping out of airplanes or climbing Mt Everest for a living and for that time it really feels as though that would be an option, and the best one at that! that it is just ‘one of

It is an awareness of your own craziness in a certain period of time.

I know when I am having a crazy moment. I know when Miss Crazy has come out to play and I am making the wrong decisions and my emotions or hormones or whatever else are making me feel and act in ways that I shouldn’t or wouldn’t. It doesn’t change anything though. Knowing doesn’t change or fix it.

I don’t think this explanation is working out for me.

*looks around*

Nope. Definitely not working out like I planned. Well it doesn’t matter really. I still feel better now that I have said it. I think this blogging business is going to be a good release.

Yip. Definitely a good release.

Until next time.

*Smiles and sits back down*